Torah is for Trauma Survivors, Too
by Nasiyah Isra-Ul
As the Israelites of old probably would have, I call myself a survivor. Not because I want the pity or questions, not because I want to remain a victim, but because that word directly embodies my life experiences. I am a survivor of abuse (including religious abuse), a survivor of trauma, and a survivor in a world where I am judged for my gender, sexuality, religion, race, and disabilities. I’m not proud of what I went through to gain the insight and experiences I have now, but it’s shaped me and my outlook on the world. It sometimes leaves me questioning, Am I too 'damaged' for God? Is Torah for me, too? In all of my complexities? It would seem those in Moses’ time had some of the same questions.
This week’s Torah portion is Ha-Azinu. It is one of the last Torah portions we read before we restart the cycle, and it perfectly sums up all the portions that came before. In it, Moses recounts the treacherous journey the Jewish people have taken to arrive at the Promised Land and warns the nation about what would happen if they disobey God in the future. Most notably, Moses delivers a powerful, prophetic song about Israel’s future before his death.
A general read-through will garner a lot of emotions. It appears God is threatening the Israelites with severe punishment if they don’t adhere to His rules. This probably doesn't sit well with a lot of modern-day readers. Why is Moses’ farewell speech so focused on future mistakes and fear? Why isn't God (or even Moses) more focused on bringing comfort? All good questions.
Moses and all the people of Israel were survivors in their own right. It seems God is saying through Moses that this Promised Land won’t solve their problems; it won’t erase their memories, or instantly make them into new people. It is up to them as individuals and as a community to hold each other accountable and avoid bringing their baggage and toxic habits into the new life ahead. But God acknowledges that there will be challenges, triggers, and fear. They will make mistakes. There will also be consequences for perpetuating harm.
Trauma keeps us hidden, shrunk down, and afraid to live our own lives in confidence, chipping away at our self-esteem. Being suddenly thrust into safety and freedom isn't an easy transition, I know from experience. But Torah reminds me that I’m not alone in these struggles, and it's okay to make mistakes because God is there, but He does not stand for the vulnerable being harmed. That is the lesson of Moses’ song.
So, it’s not so much that God is saying, “forget your past” or “my rules or the highway.” It’s instead as if God is acknowledging that freedom will be frightening, and that this is kind of the point. It is in freedom that you can come to terms with not only what it feels like to make your own decisions, but also the emotional weight of that freedom. It is in recognizing where you came from that you can have confidence in where you want to go. That’s what Moses is reminding them of: “Your future is not set in stone; you can use your experiences to make decisions informed by trauma, or you can use your past to perpetuate harm and toxic control.” The new nation will not thrive if it perpetuates the tactics of its oppressors.
Unmistakably, this portion is complex. Embedded in the warnings, prophetic undertones, and historical recounting, God is speaking directly to the people who have been through hell and back, and still want to know what God says about them. The people who carry the weight of generational trauma and have trouble with trust, but still want God to see them. The people harmed by toxic religious systems that thrive off of erasure, but still cling to a hope that God is for them, too. God is also speaking to those waiting for a chance to use that freedom to harm others. He’s sending a clear message that He is not for those trying to gain control, harm others, or use the newly established religion as a form of oppression. He is for those who want to learn from the past to inform their future, the ones who want to lead their communities for the better. God is saying, “I stand up for the survivors.”
The entire thing was frightening for most of the new nation. They were tasked with creating a government and country from nothing, and now their liberator was not going to join them there. That's a lot of change and uncertainty, something I myself have trouble dealing with. When I read Ha’Azinu, I read a letter of love from God’s prophet to a people who, like me, are searching for hope while scared of the new life that lies ahead. He is warning Israel that the way to be different and go a different path than their oppressors is to faithfully love one another, respect those who are different than them, and NEVER return to the mindset or strategies of oppression.
Ha’Azinu is a validating reminder for me as I heal from the events of my past that God is on my side, grieving losses and celebrating my wins with me. He’s not for people using His name and words to condone abuse and the erasure of others. I’m never “too imperfect” or “too hurt” for God to love. He wants me to shed the masked, burnt-out, hidden self I created for others and embrace the fullness of freedom I was created to embody, even in all the imperfections and mistakes. I can be proud to be myself as a queer, autistic, disabled, and Black Jew. I can enjoy the freedom that comes with making my own choices. I can feel confident in defining what observance means to me and my relationship with practices like tznius and tefillah. Most of all, I can say with assurance: Torah is for the survivors, too.
Nasiyah Isra-Ul (they/she) is a multiply disabled, autistic, nonbinary, and Black Jewish advocate and educator working at the intersection of education reform and disability justice. They are an aspiring rabbi and cantor, an indie artist, and an active nonprofit leader. She is the founder of the Mishpacha Rising Collective and serves on the advisory board of the Disability Torah Project. When they are not busy researching and studying, you can find her snuggled up in a blanket with a good book, spending time with her leopard gecko, Zayne.
