Jacob, Esau, and Access Intimacy
by River Mudgett
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I remember reading Parashat Yayishlach for the first time in the early days of my conversion journey. This happened not to be very long after I realized that my multi-decade long back pain was not rooted in my lower back, where I feel the pain, but in the regular subluxation (partial dislocation) of my hips. During Torah study that week, I was so struck by seeing an important figure with a pain and walking style I know intimately.
In Genesis 32:26, Jacob’s “hip was strained (ותקע)” while wrestling with the divine being. Rashi states that this means that the damage to Jacob’s hip was done violently while relating it to “Lest My soul be alienated, or removed, (תקע) from thee” in Jeremiah 6:8. He cites these words with their root word of לשרש meaning to remove violently. Though the cause of our hip pain comes from very different circumstances, his from an interaction with a divine being and mine from the genetic lottery that is birth, we still share a root, the violence of daily bodily pain.
I imagine that Jacob’s pain and gait change are a constant for him, with fluctuations of course, from that night on while I experience mine as very dynamic though still a daily occurrence. The routine subluxations and pain leads to changes and compensation in all aspects of life, even with access to modern medicine. It makes me wonder how Jacob compensated for his pain and gait in his daily life.
Does he find more places to sit or lean? Did he have to change how he does the work that supports his family? Is he more critical of himself now that he has a disability? How does it affect his sexual relationships? When, or how, does he choose to push through or rest? Those are just a few things that I have to routinely sift through and I bet many reading this do too. Sometimes we do it consciously and sometimes it is an unconscious process. The thought processes and compensations aren’t necessarily the same from day to day either. Of course, Jacob doesn’t live in a vacuum and his new disability will change how he interacts with those around him as well as how they interact with him.
When I set out to write this commentary, I did not want to focus on Jacob’s hip and the divine wrestling. It felt too obvious and possibly even overdone. My plan involved reading the parsha at least twice. Once without brainstorming or notes, just reading the entire parsha from the first word to the last. The second reading was reserved for notetaking with a few commentaries lined up for more ideas.
Growing up I would often hear “if you want to make G-d laugh, tell G-d your plans”. Dear reader, let me tell you, there was certainly some divine laughter going on. I was successful until I came across a seemingly small gesture. Just a single line of Torah, Genesis 33:12: “And [Esau] said, “Let us start on our journey, and I will proceed at your pace”. Right away, I knew that line was where my commentary would flow from. It may seem small and insignificant on the surface but our tradition teaches us that the Torah does not waste words. Those of us who live outside of our society’s perception of ‘normal’ know that small things can actually be quite significant.
Jacob had just spent so much time fretting and planning for an, at best, bad, even hostile, reunion with his brother, Esau. I cannot fault Jacob for fearing the worst after years spent apart, Jacob’s deception of their father, and theft of what was supposed to be Esau’s. Yet, here we are with freshly rejoined brothers locked in a loving embrace and an outpouring of love. Then we have Esau tell Jacob that he sees Jacob is injured and that it is affecting how he moves through the world. That Esau is willing to work and be with Jacob at Jacob’s pace. All with the three small, simple words of ‘at your pace’. While centuries of readers have only been able to speculate on Esau’s thoughts and motivations in that moment, we are able to see a moment of what could be described as access intimacy.
The term access intimacy was coined in May 2011 by Mia Mingus in the blog post Access Intimacy: The Missing Link on her blog Leaving Evidence. Mia’s blog defines access intimacy as “that elusive, hard to describe feeling when someone else “gets” your access needs”. She then proceeds to state that one’s ability to be intimate with someone else on an access level doesn’t depend on their relationship to another nor their level of disability knowledge. Access intimacy is rooted in the understanding that access needs aren’t a commentary on the person who needs them and that they aren’t a burden. This intimacy can happen with anyone you interact with and it can be built during a relationship with someone.
I first came into my disabilities in 2019 and 2021. Though I now realize that, for the most part, they have been life long issues, I thought I was able bodied well into my 20’s. The combination of living in an ableist society, being raised by a disabled parent who is ashamed of their disability, and not having updates on my biological family’s medical history lead me to believe in a stricter healthy/disabled binary and not recognize my own internal signals. Those factors also made coming out as disabled harder so I can only begin to imagine how much harder it would be for Jacob. Especially since much of this parsha takes place less than 24 hours after the divine wrestling and subsequent injury.
Jacob’s response to Esau could be motivated by shame, remains of the initial fear of seeing Esau again, or another reason that we cannot know. Likely it would be some combination of reasons with a dash of truth in stating he wants to protect the vulnerable parts of his herd. No matter his reasoning, I like to imagine that this moment was a new starting point for the brothers. One in which they can rebuild their kinship and build the unknowable yet essential access intimacy into their lives together.
I imagine future time the brothers spend together where Jacob is in a pain flare as the rainy season begins and Esau does labor and tasks that Jacob cannot so his brother can rest. That Esau does that labor from a place of love without adding to any shame or judgement Jacob would already be feeling. I imagine that when Esau faces old age and his own declining physical ability, Jacob welcomes Esau into the world of disability. He’ll share with his brother tips and tricks learned over the years. That Jacob and Esau will have many happy times spent together full of love and building a deep sense of knowing each other.
Access intimacy is a vulnerable act between people. For this intimacy to exist or develop, you have to be known and seen by another. It is an immense act of love. To be known and loved is to be changed. While that change is scary and difficult, the fruits of that labor can be as sweet and fulfilling as Jacob and Esau’s embrace.
*All Torah quotes and Hebrew translations are from Sefaria
River Mudgett (they/them) is a central Texas based multiply disabled, queer, trans, writer, artist, and Jew By Choice. They spent over a decade in social work and care work before embarking on a yet to be decided career change. River continues activism work as disability allows. When not looking for their reflection in our traditions, River can be found baking, curled up with their cats, or longing for the ocean.
